mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize