Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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