90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
