I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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