It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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