Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
