my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
