Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Don't make out with my wife yet
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
