we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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