Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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