Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
