If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Randomize
