i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
