We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
