someone owes me an orgasm
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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