Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
did i just pee glitter
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
