i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
