i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
