You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
