I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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