I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
