I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
