My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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