I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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