I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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