She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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