Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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