I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
