I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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