Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
