Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
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