Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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