I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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