I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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