so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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