Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
