Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
