Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
