I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
