I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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