I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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