He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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