man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize