Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
