yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize