so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
