just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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