I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
