I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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