i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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