I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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