census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
