I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
