i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
