cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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