my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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