True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
