eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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